Living for a Love, in Misery

By: Marissa Flu-Allen Flu-Allen

I’m at my best when you're at your worst;
At your left when needed at your right.
I stay dry while your tears seem to water your
Eyes like April’s first rains.

At my best am I, when misery accompanies me in.
This is to be done for a relationship
Of deeply engraved pain, where hostility reins.
And knowing that, "I'm leaving you," will never
Cross your lips, I stay...

Pushing you- then reeling you back
When signs of lost hope rise upon your face... then slip
But I never let the smile come-
For it would bring a frown upon my own.

I feed off your pain
Yet, can’t stand the bitter-sweet serum
of that which is my own.
Yet, I am at my best when you're almost in it- all alone.

I let you try to fix things while I couch-potato around
Until I see enough lost hope in you and
Assure myself... if I don’t cut back you’ll

Keeping in mind, you're so giving,
I gladly take all you have
And you allow me to drain 125% of it .
All the while I don’t bother to return-
To give a decent half.

The day I crossed the line
And the anger arose in your eyes,
It aroused me, somehow.
And the coldness of your warm hands
Turned stone across my collected face,
Gave me a quick rush,
A sweet honey-flavored taste.

You’d never say, "I’m leaving you,"
So, I kept pushing you on and, on and on
But somehow my manipulative-ness fell short
And you're gone, gone, and still gone...

I never knew how much I loved you
Or how much I could love you... until
The day you just got up, touched my face lightly,
Pushed the fallen hair behind my ear,
Sighed... and stared into my empty, cool eyes
And said, "you’ll never change and so now it's
My time."

I saw the tear fall and I wanted to catch it
Savor it’s every trace of salt
Because, I knew this was the last time I could
Hurt you,
The last time I’d ever have a clear jab at your
Un-protected, gate-opened heart.

You left me sitting there
And the door closed gracefully with humming
But the dissatisfaction I had seen in your
Eyes no longer kept me a fen;
I was only accompanied by
The strong need of misery in love.

Now, all I have is a need for me to love
Without all the drama to keep up
But most importantly I hurt myself in the end
And broke my own cold-end Heart,
With a fresh blade- far sharper
Than the one I’d once used to slit that of your own,
At it’s most hallow parts-
While you escaped with what little
Bit was left of yours.

But, I did not envy you for it
I just thought
How wonderful you were
To have enough to give
And enough for me to steal- all at once
And still have enough left over
To let, "I’m leaving you,"
Non-verbally run across your lips...

The words I never thought
You’d let fall...