Anniversary of My Death
Well, it's been a year--
one year today.
It's my anniversary--
the anniversary of my death.
I was 15--
naive, trusting, stupid.
It's been a year,
but I still cry like a baby.
I can't help it.
A doorbell...
A loud noise...
A man who stares...
The dark...
Anything...
Anything can set it off.
Anything can start that fear,
that searing rush of adrenaline
through my veins.
I am terrified.
I am aware.
I am empty.
I am alone.
I am not behind bars,
but I am, nevertheless, confined.
I am confined from the world.
I am confined from happiness.
I am confined from love.
I am confined from life.
I will never get out.
I will never be free.
You guys will go on with your life,
but you have taken mine forever.
I have no energy left to feel.
I cannot trust,
because you took that.
I cannot smile,
because I think of you.
I cannot be touched,
because I scream at flashbacks.
I cannot love,
because you guys cut out my heart.
I cannot hate,
because I have hated too long.
I cannot forgive,
because I have nothing left to give.
You guys took away everything.
You took away everything.
What did you truly get in return?
Surely, no satisfaction.
Surely, no pleasure.
Surely, no fun.
What?
A guilty mind?
The knowledge that you could
devastate life,
devastate a family?
Tell me what you got!
I would really like to know.
Was it worth it
to disrupt my happiness and peace,
to instill in me
fear, betrayal, and the inability to trust,
to see in my face
the horrid look of absolute anguish?
What was it that made it so worth it to you?
You took away my life,
and you still go on with yours.
Think.
Think of me--
of my face,
of the bruises,
of the pain.
Think of me
if you ever want to know...
if you ever want to know
how it feels to be helpless;
If you ever want to know
how it feels to be alone;
If you ever want to know
how it feels to be empty;
If you ever want to know
exactly who it is you should hate.
Remember that night.
Remember yourself and your boys,
beating me badly.
Remember that night.
Remember that night.
Remember that night.
Know it was you
who did this to me.
Know that it was not I
who "pulled the trigger."
Know that it was not I
who gambled and lost.
Think.
Just think.
Remember my tears--
they were caused by you.
Remember my pleas--
I made them, unsuccessfully, to you.
Remember my face--
vile rapist,
because you have implanted
yours in me.
Remember me
when you want to do this again.
Remember my face.
Remember it,
because I must remember yours.
Think.
Think and remember.
Do not forget.
Do not hide.
Know that your time will come,
and you will eventually pay.
Believe me.
You will pay.
On this anniversary--
the anniversary of my death--
I have not forgotten.
I have not forgiven.
If I wish anything for you,
I wish the memory of me
and this anniversary.
This is the anniversary of my death.
This is the anniversary you shall not forget.
