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Mommy WHY?
by Trying to understand

When I was only two months old, my mother was no longer able to take care of me. I never understood. No one never told me anything about it. It was like they didn't want me to know. But I had to know, she is a part of me. I love her even if I don't know what food she likes to eat or what she is best at doing. I ask myself a lot if I'm like her. Did she ever make the mistakes I'm making now?

It turns out that my mother has a problem, but I can't share what that problem is. I know it's hers and hers alone. I started to feel like I did not belong with my father's family anymore. My family started to tell me what they thought of my mother... what kind of person she was. They didn't like her, I could tell right away. Every time I would do something wrong (and that was when I hit my teen years) they would tell me I was just like my mother. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to find out what kind of person she was. So I left the only family I've known to go live with my mom.

Very soon, I found out that I was not welcome into my mother's new life. She had remarried and had two new sons. I wasn't the child she longed for after all! I thought my mother would be happy to have me back- WRONG! Yes, she let me live with her, but she didn't want me there. Her husband hated me- I was "too much like my FATHER" for him. My mother said I looked just like my grandma. That's the reason she didn't want me around. They hated me. There were so many nights when I just cried myself to sleep... never understanding why the person I loved didn't love me back. I don't know what can make a mother not love one of her children, but love the others. I was her mistake... something that was never meant to happen. I was the one thing she wanted to just go away. I was there six months, trying to have a life with my mother in it, but that never happened. I'm sorry I was not what she wanted me to be, but I know in God's eyes, I did try. That's all I could have ever done. I called my grandparents to come get me. I told them where I was at and that I was okay. I will forever love them for letting me back into their lives after what I did... running away like that, moving to a new state. I had started a new life, in a new school. I had new friends and I even had a job- something they always wanted me have. I showed my family I could make it and they are understanding as to why I had to do what I did.

My friend saw a poem on LovePoetry and e-mailed it to me. I fell in love with the poem, I hate by Heather V C. It helped me know that I'm not the only person who loves and hates their mother at the same time. It also showed me that I too, can move on from this.

My mother and I have not repaired our relationship yet, but I'm still hoping. I would really love to have a relationship with my brothers. Hopefully, one day they will want one with me. I call my mother once a week. She has asked me to stop calling, but I still call. One day she will need me and I'll be there when she does. I want her to know that I love her, and I'm no longer mad. I moved on from that a long time ago. I had to 'cuz I would have killed myself worrying about what she thinks of me. I had to let go for myself... and I did. It still hurts. It always will, but not as bad.

I just know that one day when I have kids, I will be more than just a mother... I'll be a mommy. I will love all my kids. I will be a better person than she is. There is nothing I can do, except live my life, be a better person and move on. I'll just have to teach my kids what I like to eat, what I'm best at doing, and if they are making the same mistakes that I did. And I'll call my mother once a week and keep trying. That's all I can do.

Whatever you go through, be happy. Take something away from it because it did not kill you. I'm still here, I'm a whole year older, and I'M STILL HERE. She tried to bring me down, but never could. All I want to know is, "Why, Mother?"

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