You saw me as strong
You saw me as strong...
Tiny girl in army fatigues
ghutra hiding the long hair that marks my femininity
ghutra pulled tight across the lips
that could only belong on a woman’s mouth.
You saw me as strong...
Barking orders in the night
in the back of that dusty jeep,
crossing borders in the moonlight,
moving towards Basra surviving on Allah’s will
with my weapon over my shoulder.
I guess you thought I was ready to kill.
You saw me as strong...
Because I unloaded the boxes and hid the arms
and bargained with Shaiton.
You saw me as strong...
And I saw you as a Prince with your old leather sandals
and your torn thobe hanging above your ankles,
two months growth on your strong square jaw.
To me you were a king, displaced from your kingdom,
who ought to have an army or queen.
You saw me as strong...
When I went where women dare not go,
bent my face to Mecca and made sujood at your side,
when I sat as a village boy amongst the men
and put to my woman’s lips tea served by a man's hand.
You thought I was strong...
And I thought you were a hero giving our people hope
traveling through forsaken places
with nothing but the whisper, mahktoub.
I closed my eyes and whispered, ya Allah,
when I saw that look in your eye.
You thought I was strong...
But you never guessed that deep inside my woman’s heart
I longed to be touched by you and held by you
outside of this suffocating desert with its sands
that swallow people like us alive
and its blood-caked dirt roads
that explode if you don’t step carefully.
I longed to be weak in your arms in a place
where you were my sayidy and I was your habeebee
in long flowing sheer skirts and anklets of gold
that jingle as I serve you grapes
and fan your body with palms and your soul with my love.
You thought I was strong...
But you never knew and I never told you
that by your side I yearned
the yearning of a thousand nights
of unfulfilled desire, to be weak.
You never knew
the animalistic thoughts that swept through my mind
and hung in my belly like a disease
after days of crying babies, broken bodies,
and flies swarming on the rot of human remains.
After days of blood-soaked, tear-stained faces pleading
for help, and all the outstretched hands we couldn’t reach.
After days of watching that precious spark
slip from our people's eyes.
You never knew
because I was strong... for you.
I was a reflection of your perception of me,
thinking it would help you to cope,
afraid that unleashing any human feeling
would bring a torrent of emotions so powerful
that our very minds would be swept away in the deluge
and broken, twisted, vision-haunted nightmares of death
would be all that was left of us.
You thought I was strong...
and I was strong
until the day the world held still,
all the bullets froze in place
and the gunfire was silenced;
until the moment the universe paused
and the only movement was the single blast,
the feeling of weightlessness
the only sensory perception.
Flying, and slowly, I felt ground beneath me.
Although I’m sure I’ve never landed
still, the whole universe held still
but it couldn’t freeze your blood.
Every atom and every molecule ceased to exist
but nothing could stop you from flying to Jenna,
your jihad marking you as my sayidy Al shahid.
The scream that pierced the air
was in a voice I didn't know
although it departed my lips.
I touched your skin for the very first time
no longer scared of ayeb or harram,
but nothing brought you back to me.
You were of this world no more...
And I couldn’t be strong.
