Help Me Understand
by Michelle Savoury
When I was just 6 years old, my mom let me go. I went to a foster home. My mother had a drug addiction and so did my father, but he wasn't a part of my life anyway. He was always in jail or always drinking or using drugs. At 6 years old, I had already seen my father and mother shoot up- not something a 6 year old should have seen. I never understood why my parents did this to me. I always wondered in the back of my head, "Did I cause this problem? Was it my fault?"
I'm not sure when my parents started using drugs because it was before I was born. It was my uncle who introduced my mother to morphine, but I really don't know when my father started. It got to the point that my mother couldn't take care of me, so she called social services and I went to a foster home. I stayed there for about a year and a half and then moved back with my mom, but then she messed up again so I had to go back to another foster home. I was only in there for about 6 months when my foster brother sexually harrassed me, so I was removed from there and put into another one. I only stayed there for about 9 months and after that it all went downhill. My mom was still using, my dad was still drinking. I was with both of my parents off and on... one day I would be at my mom's and 2 days later I would be with my father. Finally, my mom straightened up and we moved in with my grandparents, away from my father. That didn't last long. My grandfather molested me and I was put into a group home for about 11 months. Now, I am living with my sister who adopted me when I was 14.
There was a LovePoetry poem that made me realize I wasn't the only one out there with family problems. It was The Love of A Daughter by Emily Ann McLain.
The relationship between my father and me has never been repaired to this day. I still don't know who he really is. I mean, yeah, I have seen him and I lived with him, but he's not a father to me and he was never there for me when I needed him the most. My mother has been clean for 7 years, but the other day she messed up again. That really scares me because my mom had breast cancer and just recently had a heart attack, so I am scared that I am going to lose her.
My father is in jail right at the moment and he'll get out on Christmas day. I have no idea what's going on with my mother. It was her birthday yesterday, September 6th. That's when I found out she was using again, so I have no idea how she's doing or what brought her on to using again. I try to keep in touch with my parents, but it's hard with my father in jail and my mom not around to get a hold of.
Never give up. There is hope out there and there are people with a lot harder lives than yours.
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