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the guy
by the lonley one

I am only 13 and I will be 14 in January. Me and my ex-boyfriend Alex were going out for almost a year. We just broke up recently because I found out I was pregnant but I wasnít sure if the baby was his. He found out from everybody else. I didnít tell him because I didnít know how to and I wasnít sure how he would react to the news that it might not be his. He said he would take the baby even if it was the other guyís and if the other guy didnít want it then he would take it like it was his own and that we would be happy. Well, I hadnít told my mom and dad or any other family members. They thought he was a trouble-maker and they didnít like him- but I loved him very much. The only reason I did what I did was because I was drunk and high at my friendís party. Well, after the baby was getting closer and closer he wouldnít talk to me. All of a sudden his feelings changed, I guess. So, I moved to his school. He talked to me when he would see me. He would walk me to my classes, hold my hand and give me kisses on my cheek. Then he stopped. I used to cut my wrists when I was in sixth grade, then I stopped for a little while and started again after I found out I was pregnant. He knew about it and told me to stop again. I did- then I got depressed and did it again. I guess thatís why he stopped talking to me. I moved and I had a beautiful baby boy named Israel Alexander. I talk to Alex every once in a while and he asks about the baby and the baby is doing fine, but I moved to a different town after I told my mom and dad so he hasnít seen the baby at all. I know it hurts him because it is his child and it hurts me, too. But he had said a lot of stuff about me and I havenít forgiven him for that. I know I shouldnít be like that but I canít see him face-to-face especially since Iím still in love with him.

I remember the last time I was happy, it was when I found out Israel was his- I was so glad! It was weird going through bad and good times- but I survived. I realized I was depressed and I wanted to die every night. I cut my wrists a lot and now all I have is scars to remind me of what all this was for.

A LovePoetry poem helped me. The name of the poem was That's What Friends Are For by Jess Ica. It made me think a lot. When I was down I would think of that poem and think about another life waiting for me.

My life changed some. I am going to school and my baby is two months old. I still have some downs and every once in a while Iíll cut myself- still wishing I would die, but then I look at my child and know that life is what it is.

Donít fall in love too quickly- I had a baby because of that and I was too young and I know you might be like me, too. It was nothing but pain and suffering.

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