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I never knew you were gone, 'till now

We met when I went to Jamaica to visit my family. It was love at first site. We became friends in seconds. He always came to visit me and we would talk with each other about our problems. We talked about having kids; we talked about everything we could talk about. When we talked we would sit under a big tree. One night, when we were sitting under the tree, he told me that he loved me and that he had never found a girl like me, who he could tell his problems to. He said that if he ever died, he wanted me to have a ring that he always wore around his neck. We kissed for the first time and I felt like I had fallen in love with him. I never knew he would go so quickly. He was only 20 years old.

We had gone to the same school in Jamaica, but we never talked until I went back to Jamaica for the first time. We had been seeing each other for 2 years and they were the best 2 years of my life. I really miss him. We were best friends. We always called each other, and on Sundays we would go to the movies or the park. We would talk for hours on the phone, until we were both tired of each other. I was close to him like a little girl would be close to her dolls. We never left each other. We never left each other. We always did the best things for one another, in every way we could.

At my cousinís birthday party, some guy wanted to dance with me. I found out that he had another girlfriend. I never wanted to dance with him. The guy got mad and told me he was going to kill me. Then, my boyfriend came over and told me that he had broken up with his girlfriend to be with me. I asked him how I could ever trust him again and he told me that I would. While we were talking, the guy came back over with a gun and started shooting up the place. I didnít know my boyfriend had been shot until I saw my aunty holding him. She was shouting, ďSomeone, get help!Ē I fell on my knees and I held him so close. I told him to hold on and that help was on the way. I told him that I would always love him and that I would never let him leave. I told him that heaven would have to wait. Then he told me that he would watch over me and that he would never let me go. Then he died in my arms. I started to cry and shout his name, but he never responded to me. The help came to get him and I sat outside were the blood stain was and I cried my eyes out. All I could tell myself was that I caused it. My family and his family came outside to hold me and tell me it was going to be okay. I asked how it would be okay and they just told me it would be okay.

There was a lot to say, but his life was cut short because of me. I visit his grave whenever I visit Jamaica. I spend hours telling him how much I love him and miss him. I have pictures of him all over my room, so every morning when I wake up, I see him. I dream of seeing him. I have so much to say to him, and when the right time comes, I will. I love and miss my boyfriend so very much. Itís been 2 years since he went. I will never forget May 15. I lost my first love that day.

Even though he is gone, I try to move on. I watch a tape of him growing up and of his graduation just to keep me going. I havenít moved on. I donít have a boyfriend and Iím not looking for one. I tell myself that I will wait Ďtill I see him again.

My last communication with him was the day before my cousinís birthday. He had spent the night at my house with me and we had a long talk about how we were going to live our lives when we got old, and how we would watch our grandchildren grow up and sit on the hot, summer days and watch our grandchildren play. We talked and laughed until we fell asleep.

I have not been to a lot of places since he died, because I canít deal with the fact that he had gone. I love him and I miss him. I cry whenever I call his family to see how they are doing. I have had a lot of help from my family, my best friend and from his family. The have helped me a lot. My mom tells me that I need to take one day at a time and I must take it easy. She does all she can for me. I talk to his family a lot and they always call to see how I am doing. His brothers helped me by sending me pictures of his grave and by telling me that he is watching over me. They tell me not to worry about anything. His dad helps me by visiting his grave with me and talking to me and telling me that God has taken him for a reason. My sister and his sister have helped me by doing all they can. The person who has helped the most is my grandmother because she is the only one who knows my pain. She talks to me, telling me that God is watching over me and that his love will guide me in every way. She also tells me that my boyfriend is resting, but not fully because every step I take, he is missing me. I think of the day he went away. My life has not changed, because it has been too hard.

I was looking at poems on LovePoetry.com and I came across this poem: to never... by Tara Marie Morris. I printed it out and put one copy on my wall and another on his grave, just to let him know that I have not forgotten about him. I want him to know that I still love him and I would do anything to have him back in my life.

The last 2 years have been hard for me. I cry myself to sleep when I close my eyes and remember that day, when he died in my arms. I am getting help because I just lock myself in my room and sit in a corner and cry my eyes out until there are no more tears for me to cry. I try to move on, but the more I try, the more pain I feel inside. I tell myself that if I had just danced with the guy, nothing would have taken place, and my boyfriend would still be in my life. I visited the guy who killed him in jail and I asked him questions. All he told me was that he was sorry. I forgave him, but I have not forgotten May 15, when my life came to a full stop.

If you love someone, tell that person every day and tell them that you are the only person for them.

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