Crash and Burn only to Return
by Melissa Ann
My ex-husband and I met on the internet in a chat room. We dated for a year, then became engaged. I was 19 when he proposed and he was 20. We lived together for a year and all the signs were there that we weren't going to make it and he was all wrong for me, but I pushed forward and swore I could make it work. We got married in 2003- I was 22 and he was 23. We were married for three years. We had a baby together who was just over a year old when I left him. The year and half it took to process a divorce was torture and the worst year of my life.
When I first met my ex he was charming. He knew how to talk a good game and I was eager to be in a committed relationship with someone who wouldn't burn me like my high school sweetheart had. I was eager to get married. I was nineteen and engaged. Planning our wedding became the source of my focus. I convinced myself I loved him enough to live "happily ever after" with him. It wasn't until we moved in together and then got married that his true colors started revealing themselves one by evil one. I convinced myself that we'd be alright, and somehow it would all come together and fit. Little did I know just how naive and wrong I was. In the beginning, sure we were happy. We were young and really thought it was love. We seemed compatible and for a little while we had fun together and laughed a lot.
Five months after we were married I wanted out. I couldn't stand his temper or his emotional and verbal abuse. He loved to tear me down to make himself feel better. He tore my family down when he had no more ammo against me. He allowed his mother to verbally and emotionally abuse me. I changed my mind about leaving the marriage so early when I unexpectedly became pregnant with our son.
We had several problems. His mother was like the root of all evil in our marriage. She had a hand in it from day one and I did nothing to stop it. I was brought up with respect and morals and where I come from, you just don't treat people that way. So I took it from her and from him, although I was dying inside. I was miserable and withdrawn and started to become very depressed. I couldn't stand to be in the same room with him. I hated being around him and avoided his mother at every cost. She robbed me of a lot of things and a lot of "firsts" that a new mother should be happy to experience. He allowed her to disrespect me in my home and he allowed her to pick on me and torment me whenver she deemed it necessary. Of course he didn't stop her, he was doing the exact same thing. It took me a long time to realize that it was abuse and I was a victim. Another problem in our marriage was his obsession with video games. He constantly played video games and neglected my son and me. He also became addicted to pornogrophy, whether it was on the internet or the dvd's he kept hidden under the sofa. I attempted to talk to him regarding his addictive hobbies but that was pointless. He didn't care about my feelings or my needs. I attempted to see a marriage counselor, but in the grand scheme of things the marriage was doomed and counseling made it worse. We were all wrong for one another and once I allowed myself to believe that it was ok to walk away and make myself happy, then I gained the courage to do so. He was controlling and aggressive and vindictive. I had no idea he'd be so horrible to me at any time, but he got so much worse in the end.
My ex struck my breaking point the night he got angry with me during an argument and threw me on our living room floor. I took control back of my life and he didn't approve so he reacted in a way that was completely unforgivable and unacceptable. So, for my protection and the future well-being of my son, I left him. I knew he'd react badly, but he became almost postal. He showed up at my house one afternoon beating on the windows and doors, waking up my son and scaring us half to death. He started harrassing me by phone, text messages and any other way he could. I ended up taking out a PFA (Protection from Abuse order) against him and filing for divorce.
After I filed for divorce and my breaking limits were exhausted, I started to relax. I went out one night with friends to let loose and calm my nerves. I met up with a man who I had met a few years back. Back then, we danced and talked briefly and I swore there was chemistry and heat between us. I had just given birth to my son a few months earlier and swore I was having some postpartum break down or something, so I ignored it. Years later, the chemistry and heat was still there and very noticable. My girlfriends kept urging me to go for it, not to let him get away a second time. He and I started dating very slowly because he knew I was filing for divorce and I had a small child to think about and my soon-to-be ex-husband was losing his mind. I knew my friends were right, though- I'd regret it if I let him slip away a second time without finding out for sure if there was something really there between us. The LovePoetry poem that really hit home was BEFORE YOU by Avery Robertson. Most of her poems hit home and I've read most of them, but this one stuck out the most to me.
The divorce process was hard and expensive and started to wear me down. I had no money and had to borrow from people to pay my lawyer. I was so thankful to have loving people in my life to help me get through this process, but it still hurt having to bring them into it and to be in debt to them for so much money. My ex did everything he could to torture me and fought me every step of the way. He swore he'd never divorce me and he swore I was still in love with him and when I was done being mad, I'd realize it and come back to him. He continued to harrass me and torment me every chance he got. It was stressful and started to kill my spirits and my emotions. I ended up taking myself to a therapist and was put on anti-depressants to calm down my anxieties and nerves so I could go through the rest of the divorce process. Over a year later, I'm still waiting for a judge to sign my final divorce decree. I hate how the legal systems take their time to process these papers, even after all the money I put out on my lawyer to get it done.
Since my divorce started to proceed through the normal motions, I moved on with my life. It was a hard lesson to overcome and it was even harder to explain to people how I could marry a man I wasn't in love with. I wasn't about to give up on love or on life. I've crashed and burned twice and boy, did it hurt each time around. My high school sweetheart ruined my life and my ex-husband finished me off. However, I wasn't about to become one of those women who laid down and died. I have a beautiful little boy to raise and a wonderful man waiting for me to get it all together. So I did just that... I moved forward and pushed on.
Now my life is wonderful. I'm living with the wonderful man with whom I felt so much heat and chemistry. We're happy and healthy and so amazing together. We co-exist perfectly and we communicate so extremely well together. He inspires me to do whatever I want and whatever is necessary to fulfill my dreams and goals. He inspired me to start writing again. I submitted a poem on to love poetry titled Fallen Angel by Melissa Ann. I wrote it for him and about him. He gave me the reason and the will to fall in love for the very first time, and I look forward to spending my life with him. He's amazing with my son and my son loves him to pieces. My little boy sees his daddy every other weekend. I told my ex he could see our child as often as he wanted, but he's more than content with the every other weekends, so I don't push it. I can't stand being away from my son every other weekend, so I won't force the issue and I won't force him to be a father either.
Don't give up on love. It's out there and it'll come to you wh
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