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I Thought About It
by usedtobesad

Everyone made fun of me at school and even my own friends avoided me at the fright of being "unpopular" like me. My family is in the middle of a ferocious break-up. It's scary how no one stays together anymore.

It seems like I canít remember a time when I was happy. It's really hard when all you hear is yelling, glass breaking and slapping all your life. School never helped anything.

My happy times were with my brother and my friends, not really my family or school. My sad times were sitting in bathroom stalls at school, crying my eyes out at lunch, and sitting in my room just trying to hold back the tears.

I didnít realize the depression I had. I had an inkling, but I thought depressed was when you're so sad that you don't have the energy to do anything. I guess my only friend was the only one who cared.

I confided to the guidance counselor. She was just listening. There was no, "Well..." or "I think the problem is..." It was nice to have someone, you know, just listen.

I picked up a knife in the middle of the night. I was thinking about just slitting my wrists right then and there. My eyes were bloodshot from sitting up and crying. I couldn't really concentrateÖ Then suddenly my mind went clear. I thought about those I would hurt. My family still loved me, even though sometimes it only seems like they don't care. And I thought, if I were to do this, I'd only be helping the ones that put me through hell. I wasn't going to let them win, I wasn't going to prove that I was weak. That's when I got on the internet (I do when I'm sad or mad) and I went to Google.com and put in poetry. It took me to the LovePoetry website. I read the poem What Did I Do To Deserve This by Sao Lily (Laos Pride). It actually changed my whole perspective on things.

I talk to my mom more than I used to when I start to break down and she holds me like a loving mother, even though I am 13.

The things Iíve done that have changed things are: I changed schools and now I talk to people.

If you're going through something- talk to other people. It can really help. If you aren't comfortable with that- talk to a family member. That's what I did after I talked to the guidance counselor.


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