I think I started to be unhappy around 8th grade. Everything in my life at that moment was sucky and I couldn’t even smile for a long period of time, I mean I was always sad. The things that upset me were my friends and family and everyone around me. I have had a rough life because my dad is an alcoholic and he was always off drinking and never there when my mom and sisters and I needed him. I was just so upset. I think the thing that really made me upset was that I would give and give to all my friends and family and be there for them and help them with their problems, but when I needed someone no one was there for me to cry on. I used to think, “Wow, I help so many people and give and give, but I need to be helped sometimes, too. It’s not like I can just refill myself with the love and help I give people- I need it in return if I’m going to give it.” I wasn’t getting it in return so I was really upset.
I was always happy until I hit 8th grade and then it all went down hill from there. I used to smile all the time and laugh with my friends and family. Now all I want to do is be alone and cry or sleep and do nothing with anyone, which is weird because I was never like this before.
When I was happy I would be up at the crack of dawn and have my chores done faster than fast because I wanted to have fun and play with my friends and hang out, but then I started waking up at like 11:00 or 12:00 in the morning because I was so depressed and upset. I wouldn’t do my chores right away, I would stay in the house for a long time and when my parents asked me if I wanted to go with them to the store I would say no. It’s really horrible but it got that bad and I don’t like it.
I think I realized I was depressed but I had so much pride that I didn’t want to admit to myself I was depressed. My mom is a nurse and she is the one who really noticed my depression. She said all I wanted to do was sleep and be alone and I wouldn’t even talk to my friends on the phone anymore. So, she put me on some medication which I stopped taking right away. That was a big mistake!
There were only 2 people I could really talk to. My best friend Ashley was always there, but not anymore because she is no longer apart of my life. I would also talk to my older sister, Vanessa who is 21. They were the only 2 who really understood what I was going through- but not all the time. I couldn’t call them every time I was upset so I stopped talking to them about it and they thought I had gotten over it.
I think the turning point for me was when I just was so mad and upset that I had to start cuttin’. At first it was only a little bit and then I started to like the feeling because, I mean it would take all the other pain away and my wrist would be the only pain there to concentrate on a lot. Then I started cuttin’ a lot and every time I was upset I would grab a knife or pair of scissors and cut. Then, one day I went overboard. I had dropped a glass cup and a big piece was in front of me so I picked it up and took it to my room. I cut really badly, but I wouldn’t stop- it’s like I couldn’t. Then I got caught and people found out what I had been doing. I was sent to a psych. care home for 2 weeks and while I was there I read the poem BLADE OF THE KNIFE by sairah jahangir. That helped me more then anything else in the world and I was determined to stop cutting.
My life has changed because I am looked at differently by my family and friends. It’s really scary because I wanted to die and now I don’t. I realized that my family and friends would be devastated if I died and I couldn’t deal with that guilt- dead or alive. I have been trying so hard to stop it and now I don’t cut anymore.
I have learned to not think about all the bad things in my life- just the good. I have been put on some medication and people watch me take it to make sure I take it. I am in counseling and that helps a lot. I’m trying really hard to be happy and I do smile and laugh more than I used to!
My advice to other people in my situation is: Please! Whatever you do- don’t start cuttin’. It’s very horrible to start because you get these ugly scars and they’re there for life. There is so much more to life and so many other happy things to look forward to. I have learned that. Cuttin’ is just a temporary fix, but the next day you feel even worse because your arms hurt and ache with the pain of cuttin’ yourself. Please! Everyone out there who is like me and many other people out there- just remember there are people out there who love you more than you think. Death is never the way out of problems!! Please think about the people you might hurt and take it from someone who has had the suicidal experience.
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