I'm only a KID!
Well, when I was about 4 years old my mother and my stepdad were both into drugs. I would go to school and come home to a wrecked house and all kinds of different drugs lying on the table. My little borother was only 1 year-old and he would be in the bedroom crying his eyes out. So, I would calm him down and clean the house, cook for my parents and feed my little brother. I had to do everything, on top of doing my homework too. I would try to get my mom and my stepdad to do their drugs somewhere else, and not to be around me and my brother. For a 4 year-old child I had a mind like an 30 year-old. I tried to do what was best for my brother and me. So, when I had done something like that, my stepdad would beat the living crap out of me. I had welts all over my back and I was bleeding. I could not even go to school for about a week because it was so bad! I wanted to tell someone about the unhappy home I lived in, but I had no one to talk to because I had no friends. The kids in school did not like me because I had ugly clothes, old shoes and messed-up hair. They called me names like "Stinky Butt," "Dirty Kid," and "Homeless Child." It really did not bother me because they really did not know me. All they knew was the person on the outside- not the inside.
I really could not remember a time when I was happy because all my life I have had a tough childhood. Like now, I'm only 15... and I guess if boyfriends count as making me happy, "so be it" 'cuz the boyfriend I have now is the best thing I have ever had. I would do anything in this world to be with him forever 'cuz he can see the real person on the inside, even though I have better clothes now and name brand things. He just accepts me for who I truly am.
The sad times I had been through were so horribly unexplainable. I would just go to bed each and every night wishing God to take away my little brother and me so we would be safe. In my middle school years, I would cut my wrist and try stupid things to try and kill myself because all of the flashbacks I had made me go crazy and hurt my body. I was not even doing well in school. The teacher would call my house and tell my mother that I had cut marks on my wrist and my mom ended up putting me in a counselor's care. Then I rebelled and I started to do drugs and drink. I would come home at like 2:00 in the morning and get in a fight with my mom and leave again. So then she put me in anger management therapy. That did not help one bit, so I rebelled again and that's when I met this guy name James. We hung out a couple of times and we got to know each other. Then we went out and he told me to stop doing drugs and to try and get along with my mother, so I listened to him 'cuz i love him and it worked out for a little bit.
I knew I was depressed because all I did was mope around the house, cutting myself and doing all this stupid crap that I regret. I guess my mom wanted to be the one to try and say she pointed it out so she could get me help. That's when I rebelled.
I did not have anyone to confide in during my depression. All I had was my razor and the flashbacks. But toward the end of my depression, that's when I found James, my boyfriend.
The turning point was odd 'cuz my mother gave me up to my father and that kinda' made my life worse. There was one poem I had read. It was It's How I Feel by ITSme. It really did not relate to my life all the way, but it was how I felt inside. It made me look at life in a whole different way because there are other people out in the world feeling the way I do and goin' through what I'm goin' through or maybe even worse. I said to myself, "I don't wanna' be another person in the world killing themself or adding to the pain of life."
My life changed when I went back to live with my mom and I started having a positive attitude on life and other people and I learned how to accept what I get out of my everyday dream...still being alive. And also by loving the people I love as much as I do today!
I have made my changes in my life like doin' well in school, giving up on drugs and drinking, getting along with my mother, getting help and not rebelling and by still being with my great boyfriend. He's gotten me through so much!
Learn how to love life. Don't take anything for granted and take life a step at a time. Also, if you're in a bad spot in life- don't cut yourself or rebel. Things always get better, it just takes time to find the key to letting everything free without hurting anyone or yourself!
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