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Missing You
by Behind Blue Eyes

The relationship between my brother, my sister and me needed work. I am the youngest child and the one who is always left out or ganged up on. My brother is 20 and my sister is 18. I'm only 14 and we didn't really get along too well. Our relationship has always been very rocky. I have never trusted my brother, and my sister just didn't want to be around me so I began staying away from home when they were home and coming home when they left. My hideout was always at my friends' houses. They kept me hidden from danger.

My brother does drugs and will come home in a terrible mood. Then, after he has had the chance to get cleaned up and everything, he comes and takes all his rage out on me. He would hit me and yell and scream. My parents couldn't do anything about it because he is too big and strong. Everyone in this house is afraid of him, even his father. My sister never wanted me around and always knew the most hurtful thing to say to me so I would leave the house in a rage and not come back for hours, sometimes even days. Everyone began to worry about my mental health and I couldn't get any privacy. I hated my life and it was all because of them.

The problems started almost 5 years ago on January 8, 2000. My brother lost his best friends in a tragic accident and then he was never right. He started falling faster and faster. Then, my sister went in the same direction he did. She just kept doing drugs just like my brother and I began to learn not to trust anyone. I just wanted to be able to leave this life. I didn't think anyone would care if I died. Then I began to attempt to do things and it got too far and out of hand.

We never talked about what was bothering us and we just kept everything inside. We never wanted to be around people other than our drinking buddies or druggie friends. I was always running away from what scared me and I hurt everybody around me with the bad attitude and landslide mental problems. I was always the one to get blamed for everything, even if I wasn't home when it happened. I could be gone for weeks and come home and I would get blamed for something that happened while I was gone. My brother and sister always seemed to managed to have it all pointing towards me. We all began to get into trouble in school. I used to be the perfect student, then my grades began to drop and I turned into my brother and sister, slowly. I scared myself and so did my brother and sister.

The turning point was when a worried friend showed me a poem from LovePoetry.com. It was Guardian Angel by Lindsey Leann Holt. I thought about what it said in the poem and realized that I didn't want to lose the relationships with my family... at least not my sister. I didn't think my brother and I would ever get along again because I couldn't trust him. I didn't feel safe around him.

I repaired the relationship with my sister and we are best friends now. She is a lesbian and her girlfriend treats me like her sister. We talk all the time and never keep secrets from each other. We know everything about each other and treat each other like equals. We barely even fight anymore. I drink with her and her friends all the time. My brother, on the other hand has gotten better but we are still never gonna' be like brother and sister again. He stopped hitting me and is at least civil.

Things have been okay. I cleared my head of thoughts of suicide, and if they do come back I talk about them with my best friends or my sister. I still don't feel safe around my brother and I can't trust men, except my two guy friends. I have known them for so long that they don't even seem like guys to me anymore. They just seem like friends. I am still running away when something scares me though.

We don't really do anything but be civil and say whay we think and feel. We really just let things in our relationship repair themselves. I hope they will repair fully one day and I can have a normal life. Maybe I will forget about the past. Who knows, it's possible.

If you see that your relationship with someone who matters to you in any way is getting worse and worse, try to fix it then. It gets harder to fix and if you let it go long enough, it will be impossible to fix. Don't let things get too bad and put the past behind you. It is the only way you can move on with your life and let go.


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