I think that I've always been unhappy since the day I was born. I was born without a daddy, born a bit deformed. I think that my first words were probably how to explain myself to humanity. Everyone told me that being born without a left hand would be the hardest challenge I would face. However, things only got worse when I witnessed my brother almost commit murder. My life just kept getting worse. I couldn't find any explanation besides to blame myself. Not long after my brother's incident, my mother's marriage started falling apart. They fought all the time and I told myself that I would do anything to get away from this life. I became suicidal the same year my sister disappeared. She left without a word, left me alone in fear
The only time I remember being happy was when I had my childhood innocence, when I didn't know right from wrong and ignorance was bliss. When I was happy I didn't cry all the time, I didn't sleep to avoid life. When I was happy I was optimistic. I thought the only way you could fail was if you failed to try.
I think I've always known that my sadness was deeper than normal. I have had so many suicide attempts and yet some people say it's impossible to feel so depressed at such a young age. I had everyone around me to confide in, but for the simple reason that I was different, I thought no one would understand.
The turning point for me was when I started reading poetry and noticed I wasn't the only one who felt the same way. I stumbled across these good poems that really helped me out:
unhappy little girl by Danielle O'Callaghan and
Nobody Knows by Cindy Michelle Wood.
My life hasn't changed much. If it's not the same then it's worse. I'm haunted by my past and I'm left to live with such pain. I am not amused with the simple joys of life. I noticed that nothing I did would bring me happiness until I saw a doctor. Little by little, I think in time, one day I'll see happiness.
My advice is: if you don't tell someone, you can't blame everyone for not caring, for not hearing your silent screams and for not seeing your pain. Death is not the answer! Fight it, even if it drives you insane. There's always a way out. I'm telling you this because I've tried to kill myself and I'm only 15!
